Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I Wrote a Short Story...

I wrote a short story in my personal style of multi-lined poetry-esque writing. As all this really happened to me, ( some of it while I was writing ) its hard to know, if it will make sense to someone who didn't experience it. But I guess that's what friends and the internets are for... to let you know how much things do or don't make sense. Without further ado...

so I dreamt this before
( a couple weeks ago )
and today 
it happened
in the dream
things made sense
I mean
they didn't make sense
at the time
( it being a dream and all )
at least 
the feeling was right 
and everything happened
in the right 

so here's how it went in the 
I was in the basement
reading lyrics
on my computer
from this band 
Field Report
when I felt this strong sense 
of someone behind me
so I turn around
and this girl is there
this girl I hung out with a couple times
we used to share a love 
of the game tetris
one time we even played it 
until 5am
she's someone I haven't thought about
in ages
but there she is
and she's concerned
like she wants to know if I'm alright
and I'm glad she's there
I feel glad she's there
and everything
it all feels ok
because she's there
and then 
I wake up

but here's how it went today 
there's this girl
this girl I hung out with a couple times
one time 
I even tried to kiss her
after we played tetris until 5am
she's someone who I haven't thought of
in ages
she messages me today
and asks if everything is ok
and it was
it all felt ok
and I don't think anything of this
her messaging me that is
but then 
this evening
I was in the basement
reading lyrics
on my computer
from this band
Field Report
when I felt a strong sense
of someone behind me
so I turn around
and no one is there
the girl 
is definitely not there
she lives in Colorado now
but then I remember
the dream
or deja vu
or other reality
everything comes
flooding back
and I remember 
that she messaged me 
earlier today
asking if everything felt ok
and now 
even later in the evening
I still don't feel anything bad
so I write her 
a long-ish note
explaining all this
because it all seems so 
like the dream was happening
but at the same time
kind of not
its around 1am
when I message her
but I don't hear back 
I assume 
she's asleep
time passes
an hour or so goes by
I find myself 
randomly looking through my old music ideas 
on my computer
when I come across a file
the first song 
or idea of a song
my ex-girlfriend and I wrote together
I listen to it
and all the guitar
and keyboards
and drum beats
and sounds
pull together
reverse weaving memories 
that draw an intenseness out of me
I remember the night we wrote it
I remember what I felt
all the hope
and the internal smiles
and unchecked
anticipatory passions
and us sitting and talking
and I check 
the creation date 
on the file
and its from the night we kissed 
for the first time
all these memories 
and hopes 
of perfect futures
painted like fairy tales
I just wasn't good enough to draw 
the correct endings to
all come flooding back
right when I was doing so good 
these last couple weeks
with hardly any thoughts
of destroying myself
and I feel 
I'm just going to bottom out hard again
when I remember 
the dream
where the girl was standing behind me
making sure I was ok
but I hate it
and I damn everything
because she's 
she's not actually here
I hate it because
there's no one actually here
I'm so confused
it all seems out of order
it seems like I should've gotten sad first
and then I should've been reading the lyrics
and then she should've been there 
behind me
( at least with a message 
since she's in Colorado and all )
making sure I was ok
making it ok
just like in the dream
instead of the reality
where she asked if I was ok
earlier today
before I wasn't ok
I bottomed out
like I am
bottoming out 
right now
so I decide I'm going to write this about it
right now
what you're reading
in order to stem my heart dives
in my protocol sheet 
I made about my depression
writing is something that can 
break the heavy dark waves as they come
before they're unmanageable
but while I'm writing 
what you're reading
right now
the girl
the girl in Colorado
the girl I thought was asleep
is messaging me:

"wow that is weird 
I probably shouldn't be reading 
or responding bc 
I'm driving"

and now I'm beginning to realize
this moment
this could be the moment
when she is looking over my shoulder
making sure I'm ok
10 more minutes have passed now
the black blanket in my mind has lifted a bit
and she's messaging again:

"ok now I'm not driving. 
that's an interesting dream/déjà vu thing 
and yes makes sense 
but not lol"

my mood lifts
I'm feeling ok
and I feel the rest of the night
I'm going to be ok
and I won't have to battle demons
alone tonight
so I start filling her in 
on WHY
I need her protection 
of all nights
why she was missed so gravely 
after I listened to the song earlier
when I looked behind me
and she wasn't there
she's typing:

"glad I was there to check you were ok"

and then: 

"oh geez. 
I was messaging u 
sitting in my car 
in my parking lot 
got cold and came inside. 
put my phone in my pocket quickly
for 15 seconds 
while I was walking into my house 
and just now
when I pulled it out 
tetris had opened 
I haven't touched 
my tetris game on my phone 
in 6 months"